SEATTLE, May 5, 2017 (Reuters): Fresh off their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony, Pearl Jam shocked the world by releasing frontman Eddie Vedder and signing former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp to a deal reportedly worth 3 years and $22 million.
The band’s founder, Stone Gossard, was quoted as saying “We just all got together and watched that version of ‘Given to Fly’ from the HOF induction ceremony and realized ‘Fuck, that was embarrassing. Ed had been slipping for the last few years; but after that trainwreck of a ‘performance’ we all just knew it was time to make a change.” The band’s 18th drummer, Matt Cameron, was reportedly distraught at the news, and also resigned. Cameron’s agent released a statement saying “After much thought, mostly introduced by the remote control chip that Ed installed in my brain as a condition of my joining the band, I realized that my loyalty is to Ed and that he is Supreme. Without Him, I am unable to function. Literally, the chip will not allow me to move my arms. So I must resign. I wish I could have remained for the next 14 years of the Lightning Bolt tour, but alas, I will have to settle for one of my other twelve arena-headlining rock band drummer jobs.”
In the wake of Cameron’s departure, power-funk percussion aficionado Dave Abbruzzese has rejoined the band. Abbruzzese indicated that the band’s manager, Kelly Curtis, called him late that night; asking him to meet Gossard at a local diner the next day for breakfast. It was there that Gossard informed Abbruzzese of the news that he was back in the band. When reached for comment, Abbruzzese’s camp simply replied with a series of china crash cymbal sounds.
The band has already begun recording their 11th album; however, it remains to be seen how Stapp and Abbruzzese’s influences will change the contour of the record at this point. The band’s bassist, Jeff Ament, was quoted as saying “Yeah we had gotten together for a couple two-week periods at Brendan O’Brien’s Corpus Christi bayside condo for some idea-generation. Nothing really concrete at this point, but just a couple hundred musical ideas about love and waves.” When asked for comment, Stapp replied “BWWWEEEEE UUURRRRGGGHHHHHH BWAAAAHHHHHH MMMMEERRRRRR HURRRR DURRRR HURRRR DURRRRRRRR”.
The band’s most recent album “Lightning Bolt” is available on iTunes, or cheap child labor-made vinyl (ships broken) for $185 from the band’s website, www.ticketmaster.com .