Daryl Joseph Michael Webber, 25, of Olney Illinois was found guilty of being straight today 5/27/17. After years of impersonating a gay man, Richland County has determined through a lengthy investigation that Mr. Webber is in fact very heterosexual. “We were unable to find even a trace amount of evidence to suggest that Daryl is a homosexual, or even a bisexual for that manner. Every avenue led us to conclude that he was a straight man” said the lead detective on the case. Another person close to the case was very definitive by saying “We have checked every closet in the midwest and no Daryl Joseph Michael Webber was in there nor was there any evidence that he ever was. He is as straight as straight can be”
As shocked as you may expect the community to be, they were actually very calm and sincere about the whole topic. One woman said she had always believed him when he said he was gay, though she could never really remember him doing anything that she would consider gay. Another civilian stated “im not all that shocked, you can tell by looking at him that he loves women”
Well we here at Channel 23 went straight (no pun intended) to who we thought could tell us everything we needed to know. After knocking on Daryl’s door we were met by a lady who stated he was engaged to but wouldn’t answer further questions. So we decided to talked to those close to him. We spent a significant amount of time looking for his father but were unable to pick up any dependable leads. The one we thought had the most promise was ended when the band “Bad Company” was unavailable. Next we called up a few of his friends. Friend Casey Senecal stated “While im not surprised, i feel bad for my friend, he’s been living this fantasy for years and now that its legally over hes going to be lost” we couldn’t get much more out of him, but by the way he cared for this man you could tell he was a genuine homosexual. We next called up a young man known as Jesse who gave us no good quotes aside from the fact that “Daryl was a real dirtbag”. We tried to reach another friend and member of the same band as Daryl, named Ryder Rios but after several rejected calls he finally answered and promptly shouted “fuck you news crew” and then hung up. The best story we got was from friend Brandon Fielden, however after talking to more in the community, we discovered that nobody actually liked him and decided to not share anything that he said.
We reached out to Daryl after the verdict and while he was visibly frustrated you could tell he knew the truth was finally out. In what was either a classic troll, or one last ditch effort to convince those around him, he just started screaming about how the ideal gas law would prove his gayness. In all honesty, the only law we got from Daryl was the the kind of lawl that you almost feel bad about.
So if any of you in the Olney or Richland County community see this brave young straight man, maybe just give him a hard time about being bald, and take it easy on him for being straight. He can’t help it, he was born that way and it is now a proven fact.