Harrison County Man Charged with Involuntary Manslaughter for Literally “Murdering Ass & Crushing Puss”

On Tuesday morning April 24th at approximately 10:00 am Harrison County resident and Wyatt native, Christopher Gross, appeared before the Harrison County prosecuting attorney arraigned on some pretty bizarre charges. Apparently whilst driving home from work, Christophers jeep veered off the road while attempting to avoid a stray cat, wich was run over, and crashed through Thomas Jarvis’ barn. The barn was recently built to house one of his many prize winning donkeys, thus literally crushing puss and murdering ass.
When interviewed Thomas was devastated stating “I loved that ass. Jack (the donkey) and I travelled the country together stopping at every state fair, music festival, and gatbering of the juggalos we could find. He always took 1st prize including 6 Blue ribbons, 12 Gold stars, and 1 Brown Eye.” Mr. Jarvis apparently loved his ass and said his favoritw activities was eating corn flakes out of it.
Christopher was sent before the court and appeared in front of the honorable judge Amanda Huggenkiss. His defense attorney, Jonathan Cochran, presented a solid defense stating that “In todays society, murdering ass and crushing puss is so sensationalized in every rap song, reality tv show, and (more recently) by country music stars its no wonder todays youth try to emulate. We present these people as heroes, and then try to criminalize individuals when they act as such. Even video games like Donkey Kong and Kitten Crush have lead our young people to idolize said behavior. No wonder all they wanna do is murder ass and crysh puss.”
Christopher was ultimately charged with involuntary manslaughter and sentenced to 10,000 hours of community service. Time apent serving will be split between Mr. Jarvis’ donkey farm and the Harrison County Humane Society. Hopefully Mr. Gross will learn that ass and puss are to be respected and treated with the utmost care and gentility so that further interaction with such can be guaranteed. Christopher was unavailable for qurstioning but when cornered and questioned outside the courthouse he just smiled and threw his open palms down to his upper thighs, in reference to a gesture made popular in the 90’s by WWF’s D-Generation X. DGX founding member, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was also unavailable for comment.