Herbert Hoover High School just got over a horrific tragedy last June with a historically devastating flood. Slowly the community has been picking up the pieces in rebuilding the once proud “River.” A key figure in doing is none other than 6’0, 115 pound star quarterback Jimmy “Born Ready” Seabolt. Relying on the arm of Seabolt, the Huskies defied all expectations and what Jimmy calls “haters” to go undefeated and state champions. Despite breaking the West Virginia record in interceptions, Seabolt has had success with the reckless abandon approach. He has also had numerous spats with teammates and coaches. “I am the greatest,” said Seabolt to our news team. “All of my teammates want to be little bitches, fuck them. I just got us a ring. They should be kissing the flood saturated football field that I walk on. That’s why I am forgoing my senior year of high school to go to the NFL. I’ve accomplished all that I have here.” This move is unprecedented and frankly might be illegal, but don’t tell Seabolt that. “Rules were meant to be broken, just like the records I broke.” Multiple mock drafts have Seabolt not even drafted. “This kid will get murdered,” says Mel Kiper, a well known figure in NFL draft circles. “He runs his mouth too much and I could see Vonn Miller intentionally targeting him. That would be hilarious, no offense.” This news is nothing new to Seabolt. He thrives off haters. “I remember playing Capital High last year. We were down early, so I thought I’d stir the pot a little. I started calling them niggers, jiggies, Uncle Tom, this that and the other. We shook them up and ended up winning. See, racism can actually create positive things,” Seabolt described with a smirk. Seabolt also was informed recently that he may be father in a couple months. “Honestly, I’ve had sex so many times I could be a father of six. I never wear condoms. I’d have to see the tests first because I don’t want some girl sapPing me dry. Especially when I get an endorsement from AND 1.” That’s correct folks Jimmy did land a $100 endorsement from AND 1, the popular Wal-Mart athletic apparel. “We kind of had no choice but to give it to him,” says AND 1 CEO. “He’s the only one that wears it. I own the company and I don’t even wear it!” he said laughing hysterically. Again, Jimmy doesn’t care about “haters.” He thrives off of them. “I can’t wait to be called in the first round. I’m going to buy my dad a four wheeler and my mom her a house so she no longer has to strip just to pay the mortgage. I love them so much. I can’t wait tell Mel Kiper to lick my balls too. I’m out to shock the world!” The River will be rooting for its native son, and hopefully he will give back. When asked about giving back to the community, Seabolt responded, “They’re getting a Mexican restaurant, do they really need anything else?!”