Honor students crack- embark on crime spree

Woodbury, Ct.
After four years of pushing themselves beyond what human sanity can handle, Woodbury Honor students Molly Humphreys and Beth Mieczkowski finally cracked under the enormous pressure of overachievement, embarking on a Thelma and Louise-esque downward spiral that ended with them raiding a mini mart. The girls have turned themselves into local authorities.
Humphreys and Mieczkowski, both seniors at Nonnewaug high school left school early Friday after becoming agitated with fellow classmates who couldn’t be swayed in a debate on feminism during their AP Euro class.
“They kind of just flipped out,” said a male student who declined to be named because he fears Humphrey’s wrath. “We were discussing women being paid less than men and when the class agreed it was justified these two just started screaming and throwing books. They said they didn’t work this hard for nothing. Our teacher hid under a desk.”
The two sped through town throwing their schoolwork out the window of Humphrey’s van shouting exceptionally long SAT- quality words that few people understood but felt certain were deragatory remarks. The duo ended up at a local mini Mart where Humphreys tore down a magazine rack depicting female models in mysogynistic poses and Mieczkowski stole a price tag maker and corrected the math errors she found on mismarked items- throwing many boxes of various snackfoods into the parking lot because they contained gluten and the pair set fire to a pile of confederate flag bandanas. When the owners arrived, Mieczkowski claimed her name was Lily Pulitzer and Humphreys threatened she would not hesitate using her black belt if needed.
If you or someone you know is an overachiever surrounded by imbeciles you can get help before it’s too late. please call the local honorstudentpsycho hotline.