Taft, CA: After a random vision test conducted by the school nurse, it was determined that junior student Kelsey Lichtenberger is actually a squirrel. Her classmates made these comments after learning it was confirmed.
Junior Andrew Kopp said, “Duh. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I wondered why she always smelled of acorns,” junior MaKayla Kirby told our reporters.
We asked her teachers for comment, but they said they could only speak under the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to make statements. “Yeah, I had been wanting to trap her in a cage and release her back into the woods for some time.”
Please stay tuned as this story develops.