Local Man Honored

A local man was honored today with the highest civilian award the President can hand out. John Malone (30, Latham) was given the US Medal of Handsomeness by President Donald Trump. He is the first bald man to receive the award since Mahatma Gandhi was awarded in 1935.

Malone, a former bartender and current number cruncher for Wink Labs Inc, thanked his mom and dad for the awesome genetics and talked about the struggle of the bald man in America. “Both my parents are pretty good looking so I lucked out. But being a bald man in this country these days is no easy feat. We face prejudice and discrimination wherever we go. I can’t tell you how many establishments force me to remove my hat. Its unconstitutional. So this award President Trump has given me is for all the bald men out there!”

Malone will go on a month long tour throughout the country showing off his handsomeness and giving inspirational speeches at local schools and churches. For ticket information contact your local box office.