Local Woman Arrested for Not Attacking Her Husband

A local woman, Jamie Craig, was arrested this morning for not sexing her husband enough, after setting false expectations, following an incredible night of wedding bliss. Her bond was set at…well, we can’t report on it here for fear of minors reading, but suffice it to say that she owes one hell of a bill… We hope that this experience has taught her the best lesson of all…buddy needs lots of sex, which leads to a long healthy and fruitful life