Late last night a young squirrel farmer named Nicolas Baldwin got caught putting his student debt on squirrels. Sounds confusing but he had figured out a way to give these domesticated squirrels social security cards and Oregon state issued Identification Cards. With the squirrels being “citizens” by law he was able to put student loans in their names. He is currently being held in for questioning by Portland Police and refuses to talk. His family and community are shocked at what he had done. “We knew he was hoarding squirrels and talking to them. But it is Portland you see that stuff all the time.” – Anonymous Neighbour.
He will be charged for illegal farming of squirrels and unfortunately the squirrels are charged with Identify Fraud which is a life sentence in the city of Portland, OR.
– Jeff Jenkins