A St Clair Shores man faces charges after an alcohol fueled rampaged around his neighborhood where he clashed with local residents and police. Police were called Friday at approximately 6 pm after Eric Hatzenbuhler allegedly forcibly seized a package of peanut M&M’s from a 5-year-old boy that was out for a walk with his grandmother. Hatzenbuhler reportedly scolded the elderly grandmother for allowing her grandson to eat peanut M&M’s. Hatzenbuhler claimed that he learned from the internet that the blue dye in M&M’s caused cancer of the anus. Hatzenbuhler then demanded 20 dollars from the grandmother claiming he could turn it quickly into 50 thousand with a Roulette system he had recently developed.
When police arrived on the scene Hatzenbuhler fled 30 feet up a nearby tree and refused to come down. He then told police they could never catch him because he processed superhuman strength from consuming blue M&M’s that usually caused anus cancer in most people, but made him really strong because of the alignment of the planets and the fact he was born in June.
Police waited approximately 1 hour for Hatzenbuhler to be rendered unconscious from excessive alcohol consumption and fall from the tree upon an inflated rescue device brought by local firefighters. Hatzenbuhler remained unconscious upon impact but appeared to urinate in his pants. Hatzenbuhler shortly regained consciousness while being detained claiming he would sue all the cops in North America because his uncle knew Mike Ilitch. Hatzenbuhler then told police he knew of a better method of applying handcuffs and could modify their cars to reach speeds of 300 miles-an-hour if they would release him. Hatzenbuhler remains in custody pending arraignment and psychiatric evaluation.
St. Clair Shores man jailed for petty theft and public intoxication
