Confederate Statues to be Replaced with Participation Trophies

By Morgan Kendrick | New Orleans, LA

In an early morning surprise move, Gov. John Bel Edwards (D) of Louisiana announced a gesture intended to soothe some of the pain that many are feeling in his state. Former confederate monuments that have previously been taken down will be replaced with a memorial of a different sort: participation plaques.

Gov. Edwards detailed his plan at a press conference held where the most recent statue had been removed. “In the interests of representing all Louisianans, we should not turn a blind eye to our own history. Instead, with clarity we shall know where we all have come from. For each confederate statue that has been removed, by my authority as Governor, I declare that a plaque, placard, or similar memorial be erected for the confederate fallen,” issued the governor.

The new memorials are not with out detractors. Many have balked at the estimated $45 million dollar budget for the project. “How can you put a price tag on history like this,” wondered President Trump, in attendance at the press conference to show his support. “This is very, very huge here in the south. The people, they love their Dukes of Hazard. We should let them remember Uncle Jesse in the way that they best see fit!”

The replacement memorial plaques are to be inscribed with the following passage:
“May we forever remember the losers of the civil war. Even with home field advantage, they were doomed from the start against the smarter, stronger, superior yankee. They gave their lives for a shitty cause and we will always remember that.”