(Friday, May 5th 2017) PONTIAC, IL – Pontiac residents are scrambling tonight to find adequate shelter for the next few weeks while the town is being decontaminated, due to an obnoxious neighbor. At 8:13pm. the Pontiac Fire department received several hundred phone calls, crippling the towns phone system, regarding an order:described as “sewer Funk”, “Ass”, and “Rotten cabbage mixed with Liver and onions”.
“The smell was so bad, my eyes started watering as if someone shoved a decomposing skunk up my nose.”, said resident Billy Bob. “I want to know WTF crawled up someones ass and died” said Sally F., a 9 year old child. The local Wal Mart reported that it was stormed by Pontiac residents, where Febreze, Lysol, Glade air fresheners, and painters respirators have all been sold out.
It is unknown who unleashed this horrific smell in Pontiac. There was a report of a male Caucasian at Taco Bell eating 3 large beef, pork, chorizo, and jalapeno burritos, smothered in Professor Payne Indeass’s “Sphincter Shrinker Hot Sauce”, which is rated at 3.5 million Scoville Units.
The local Police detectives are calling this unknown individual “The Mad Shatter”. Stink Stopers has allocated a $250,000 reward for information that leads to the capture of this vile individual.
This story will be updated, as information come in.