Giant sentient penis attacks local swimmers.

Two Venice Florida octogenarians are lucky to be alive tonight. An eight foot senscient penis attacked Bill and Louise Szymanski in the canal behind their home in Venice Florida yesterday afternoon.

The penis, nicknamed Rocky, was a biological experiment gone wrong by Abbott Laboratories in 1994. The government intervened and kept “Rocky’ under wraps until just six months ago, when he escaped captivity.

When asked to comment on the attack, all Mr. Szymanski could muster was, “The dick was talking. The giant dick was talking.”

There has been an APB put out on Rocky, as he is still on the loose. Authorities are warning citizens to be on the lookout for any giant talking dicks and avoid them at all costs.