Kemper Running for Mayor – NYPOST

Eltingville resident Michael Kemper announced early Thursday that he will be running for Mayor of NYC in the 2018 election. This announcement has shocked the political world in NYC. Kemper, a Port Richmond High School graduate, is running on the Republican ticket. He vows to Make NYC Great Again. “I want to be the Mayor. I want to be the Mayor. I want to be the Mayor,” Kemper said repeatedly when questioned by reporters at his campaign office during the early morning announcement. At an afternoon press conference, Kemper outlined his platform. “It’s simple. I’m going to make NYC great again. The people of NYC need me. I will lobby for each 3rd Friday of every month to be “Fireball Friday” in NYC. I will also immediately, on day #1, cancel the no smoking policy in restaurants and bars. That’s just so not cool.” Smokers across NYC were delighted when they heard his plans. Kemper, with no prior political experience, barely graduated from Port Richmond High School in 1989. When questioned, former PRHS Principal Mrs. Anna Jones stated, “WTF! I remember him. He was a good boy. Not too smart, but very handsome. He’s got my vote for sure!” When tracked down by this reporter later in the evening, Kemper added to his promises if elected. “The super size soda’s and the styrofoam cups are coming back,” Kemper yelled. He added, “I will get rid of the pooper scooper law. I don’t like picking up after my dog and I’m sure other people don’t either. It’s such an inconvenience.” Dog walkers who don’t pick up after their dogs were thrilled when told of his campaign promise. At the time of this report, according to his Facebook page, he has approximately 10 votes secured. “Not too shabby,” said Kemper. He will be at the South Beach Psychiatric Center early Friday morning to conduct interviews for key staff positions. This story is developing and updates will follow.