Local Iraq War Veteran Honored by Area Mosque

In a bizarre move, one area veteran has found himself receiving an honor long overdue. Marine Sergeant Mark Schumaker, an Iraq war veteran and Purple Heart recipient will be awarded by a capital district Mosque with the medal of 72 virgins. This is the first time this award has been given to a member of the United States military. Upon hearing the news Sgt. Schumaker was quoted as saying, ” Its an honor to be given this award, and an even bigger honor knowing that I helped an unknown amount of Islamic shitbags find their way to the 72 virgin club. All I have ever wanted to do is help people achieve their goals in life, and this is by far the most rewarding. Helping these kiddy diddlers and woman beaters exit their life on this planet in search of 72 virgins, which I am shocked that anyone would find satisfying in the afterlife, was a true pleasure. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to help more of these assholes achieve this goal.