BREAKING NEWS:
The story of ex-Chief Navy Diver, James “Jimmy” Ohalek is one fraught with tragic missteps and clearly defined instances of poor decisions.
A long time member of the United States Navy’s elite Diving community, he was once highly regarded as the definitive pillar of all things “Deep Sea”, as they often called him. He was once a shining example of everything righteous and upright. His dedication to duty was unsurpassed, and it was said that when God himself, needed further explanation regarding the vast expanse of the undersea realm, he would consult NDC Ohalek.
So it is with utter shock and dismay that we report to you of his remarkably sudden and tragic plummet towards mortality and mediocrity. Much like the fabled Kid Icarus, who grew too arrogant and confident in abject defiance of the power of the Sun, NDC Ohalek’s fallibility can be traced back to two very important and critical moments in his career:
• His wife allowing him to purchase the iphone 7+.
• His subsequent addiction to online phone Apps.
In a flash, so went his illustrious career, as he receded into the world of addictive online games such as Meme Creator and JibJab. He could often be seen hiding in bushes, away from plain view, giggling profusely while creating prank videos to torment his loyal, hard working subordinates.
Unconfirmed reports indicate that his teammates worked tirelessly to persuade Jimmy away from his prank video addiction, but Jimmy would have none of it. At one point, a reliable source close to the team revealed that the newest and most impressionable team member, ND2 Metzler, took leave just to escape the torrential barrage of JibJab videos the Chief heartlessly hurled at the entire team.
“He was relentlessly.”, claims Brian Simic, another traumatized member of the team. It is heard that Petty Officer Metzler’s wife called emergency medical and psychological services when he checked his phone, shreaked effeminately, then suddenly collapsed into a fetal position with his hands on his head, rocking back and forth saying “I just wanna go back to my submarine!” over and over again. A rumor also exists that the young Metzler’s wife has secretly admitted him into a clandestine psychological facility for evaluation, and that his going on leave was nothing more than an elaborate cover-up.
Another source close to the team says that a member of the United States Army, a young, brown haired, doe-eyed Sergeant, attempted to retaliate with prank “GIFS” and “MEMES” of his own, but it was a fruitless endeavor that only resulted in the sergeant abandoning his wife and kids, turning to excessive alcohol consumption on Shell Island, alone and hopelessly inebriated, to drown out sorrows of his embarrassment and bitter defeat.
“I thought that one day I’d maybe get lucky and become half the man Jimmy Ohalek was.”, said Petty Officer Adrian McPherson, one of Jimmy’s 1st Class Navy Divers. “He was my role model! But now, I realize that my ambition was set too low. I mean, look at the guy! He’s just given up on life!” Exclaimed McPherson, as his voice cracks, and he quickly turns his head away from the microphone.
“I was just so happy all the time and loved smiling.”, stated ND1 Dewitt, also a long time follower of the once legendary Chief. “Now, I’m just sad. So very sad. He took away my smile. He stole my joy!”.
Channel 23 News analysts and corespondants have repeatedly attempted to speculate as to what could have gone so tragically wrong to cause such tragic downfall.
Why didn’t someone create security measures?
Why wasn’t there a more defined intervention?
Why didn’t his teammates confiscate his phone?
Why didn’t his wife and kids see the tell-tale signs of addiction?
Why wasn’t he grounded after his first infraction?
These are all, sadly, questions being pondered in the aftermath of what can only be described as the most academic example of a great man, on the road to excellence, befelled by compulsive, addictive, cybernetic tendencies.
“I hope Jimmy gets the help he desperately needs, and gets his life back together.”, says a senior member of the now defunct team, who requested to remain anonymous to avoid association.
Individuals wanting to contribute funds towards Jimmys recovery can place donations through a special hotline set up in his name:
1-800-BAD-APPS ext. 5342