THE JIMMY OHALEK STORY: A tragic fall from grace.

The story of ex-Chief Navy Diver, James “Jimmy” Ohalek is one fraught with tragic missteps and clearly defined instances of poor decisions.

A long time member of the United States Navy’s elite Diving community, he was once highly regarded as the definitive pillar of all things “Deep Sea”, as they often called him. He was once a shining example of everything righteous and upright. His dedication to duty was unsurpassed, and it was said that when God himself, needed further explanation regarding the vast undersea rhelm, he would consult NDC Ohalek.

So it is with great dismay that we report to you of his remarkably sudden and tragic plummet towards mortality. Much like the fabled Kid Icarus, who grew too arrogant and confident in abject defiance of the power of the sun, NDC’s faullibilty can be traced back to two very important and critical moments in his career:

β€’ His wife allowing him to purchase the iphone 7+.
β€’ His subsequent addiction to online phone Apps.

So went his illustrious career, as he receded into the world of addictive online games such as JibJab. He could often be seen hiding in bushes, away from plain view, creating prank videos to torment his hard working subordinates.

His teammates worked tirelessly to persuade Jimmy away from his prank video addiction, but Jimmy wound have none of it. At one point, a reliable source close to the team revealed that the newest and most impressionable team member, ND2 Metzler, took leave just to escape the torrential barrage of JibJab videos the Chief hurled at the entire team, relentlessly. It is heard that Petty Officer Metzler’s wife called emergency medical and psychological services when he checked his phone then suddenly collapsed into a fetal position with his hands on his head rocking back and forth saying “I just wanna go back to my submarine!” over and over again. A rumor also exists that the young Metzler’s wife has secretly admitted him I to a psychological ward for evaluation, and that his going on leave was nothing more than an elaborate cover-up.

Another source close to the team says that a member of the United States Army, a young Sargeant, attempted to retaliate with prank “GIFS” and “MEMES” of his own, but it was a fruitless endeavor that only resulted in the sargeant turning to excessive alcohol consumption on Shell Island, alone and hopelessly inebriated, to drown out sorrows of his bitter defeat.

“I thought that one day I’d maybe get lucky and become half the man Jimmy Ohalek was.”, said Petty Officer Adrian McPherson, one of Jimmy’s 1st Class Navy Divers. “Now, I realize that my ambition was set too low. I mean, look at the guy!”, Exclaimed McPherson, as he turns turns his head away from the microphone.

“I was just so happy all the time and loved smiling.”, stated ND1 Dewitt, also a long time follower of the once legendary Chief. “Now, I’m just sad. He took away my smile. He stole my joy!”.

Channel 23 analysts and corespondants have repeatedly attempted to speculate as to what could have gone so tragically wrong to cause such tragic events.

Why wasn’t there an intervention?
Why didn’t members his team confiscate his phone?
Why didn’t his wife and kids see the tell-tale signs of addiction?

These are all questions being pondered in the aftermath of what can only be described as the most academic example of a great man, befelled by compulsive, addictive tendencies.

“I hope Jimmy gets the help he desperately needs, and gets his life back together.”, says another member of the now defunct team, who requested to remain anonymous to avoid association.

Individuals wanting to contribute funds towards Jimmys recovery can place donations through a special hotline set up in his name:

1-800-BAD-APPS ext. 5342