Once renowned as the benchmark from which all Men of stature were measured, Ex-Navy Diver Jason Balavram, now a part time girls cheerleading coach/Little league baseball umpire, is anything but that pillar of masculinity he once was.
“I used to dream of one day being at least half the man Jason was”, says his long time friend and still active duty Navy Diver, Mariano Lorde. “But now.. that dudes a total fatso! It’s like he just gave up on life!”, Petty Officer Lorde also exclaimed.
“I see him roaming the back alleys behind donut shops rummaging around in Dumpsters for left over Jelly Donuts and half eaten pastries. Sometimes I try to lift his spirits by telling him stories of the glory days when he wasn’t such a fat bastard, like deployment 2008, but he’s just let his self go.”, says another Dive buddy of his, who prefers to remain nameless so as not to be associated with the now gargantuan, obease, bahamoth if a man.
If anyone knows of a way to convince the heroic, now hefty, undersea hero to get his life back together, please contact the special hotline at:
1-800-GOT-HUGE