LINCOLN, NEB
Some politicians want to “drain the swamp”. This communist janitor wants to “scrub the bowl” of capitalism.
76 year old Ron Kurtenbach, a janitor by trade, is rumored to be filing paperwork to run for Governor of the State of Nebraska. A self-proclaimed communist, Kurtenbach was the host of several cable access shows in Lincoln, where the state capitol is located.
Known for wielding a mop at the University of Nebraska and also known for his mop-looking hairstyle, Kurtenbach took full advantage of the University’s free tuition policy for staff in the 1980s and 90s, earning him a Ph.D. in English. He started a communist newspaper, but was forced out for being too controlling, as communists are want to be. He also had a brief stint as the owner of The Red and Black Café in Lincoln, until that, too was shuttered because of hypocrisy; communists can’t own businesses. A co-founder of KZUM, a radio station for shut-ins, Kurtenbach used his gum-removing ingenuity to provide mediocre programming that made PBS look risqué.
After a 14 year career teaching Chinese kids English and janitorial arts, Kurtenbach abruptly left China for reasons he will not disclose. When asked, he responded with insults, dodging the question.
He currently freeloads off of two governments as a pensioner in Portugal and the United States, when it’s convenient.
His platform includes steamrolling communism to the Unicameral, turning the Capitol grounds into a beet and rutabaga field and enslaving the masses to harvest for the greater good of the State.