Saturday evening in a western suburb, Plainfield, local known dweeb ZaCH Uminski was arrested in his home on alleged staking and attempted rape charges. Zach was seen at the Bolingbrook Tilted Kilt wearing a Jay Cutler jersey and no pants. According to local reports he requested a specific server, Sam Vega by name and started to fondle his genitals when she came to his table. Police found large amounts of the suspects semen at the restaurant.
Another patron at the restaurant called the police once he saw this disturbance and Mr. Uminski reportedly proclaimed this man a “Grade A Dick” before fleeing to his Toyota rental car. Other reports claim to have placed him at Features bar and grill in Naperville afterwards but hat has yet to be confirmed. His rental car was found Sunday morning crashed into his garage with ZaCH naked in the driver seat. He apparently had a .01 BAC, the equivalent of sipping two Coors lights slowly through the night.
Local neighbor and acquaintance of Zach, James Gotch, was quoted at the scene of Zach’s house saying, “honestly none of this surprises me. Zach is legit weird as hell and has a history of creeping chicks out. I want it to be know the he is NOT my friend.”
More on this developing story soon.