Millions Die As Crusty Sock Smoothers Their Existence

At 11:45pm tragedy struck Broadway Apartments as millions of defenseless sperm were brutally killed as man cuts into old crusty sock. Ted Baird, the man responsible for the genocide claims that all he was hoping to accomplish was to keep from having to wipe up a pool of baby-batter from the hard-wood floor. Repeated attempts to contact Mr. Baird went unanswered as many nations have threatened all out war in retaliation for what they say is clearly a violation of the Geneva Convention. Panicked residents and neighbors have packed their bags and fled the area hoping to avoid any fallout from the event. Dr. Gillian Smelch, the acclaimed physician and the world’s foremost expert on mass death ejaculation stated that in Mr. Baird’s defense, “We often forget that so many lives will be lost after a few minutes of pleasure, but least we forget, each of those sperm cells has the ability to fertilize an ovum and produce a human child. However, cleaning up a load off the dirty floor just smears it around unless you use a whole fistful of wet wipes. He done right”. Ms. Smelch’s credentials could not be confirmed prior to the publication of tis article, however we know that doesn’t really matter. “We just hope that the sock gets the proper cleaning it deserves”, Mandy Park, roommate and friend of the killer, was heard saying as she spoke of the matter to her mother and father over the phone.”