[By: David-Damien Mattia]
For some Americans, DNA results reveal ancestry about which they’d rather not know.
A recent surge in ancestral DNA home testing has found many people badly shaken by the unwelcome results they might get from a simple swab of saliva. Ordinary folks who had always assumed they were of Italian or Polish or Irish heritage, are discovering that the ethic groups to which Grandma and Grandpa assumed they belonged, might be the wrong ones completely — a sad fact that many folks are finding to be very unsettling.
One innovative DNA testing company, “Deny-NA” is trying to change all that by focusing on eliminating certain affiliations that might lurk in your past generations. Their slogan: “It’s only cool when OTHER people are ETHNICALLY charming,” pretty much sums up the company’s mission statement.
“Other ancestral DNA companies set out to find out who you really are, but our goal at Deny-NA is to find out what you’re hopefully NOT,” said Deny-NA CEO, Dr. Umbala Indoogo – who was formerly known as Dr. Rocco Cavetelli until he took one of those other, better-known ancestry DNA tests.
For the average John or Jane Doe, finding out that their All-American family tree actually started out in Russia or Greece or Turkey, is no big deal, but for some people, long-forgotten ancestral secrets and undeniable truths printed out on a piece of paper for everyone to see, can cause great anxiety — and sometimes even sudden death.
“It’s not unusual to find at least one patient in my ER each day who is clutching their DNA results while having either a massive heart attack or a complete nervous breakdown,” said Dr. Martin O’Hara-Byrne (formerly known as Dr. Morris O. Bernstein) of City General Hospital in Chicago.
“I had my own DNA test done last year and found out that I wasn’t really Jewish. My DNA showed that I was nearly 95% Irish and descended from a long line of famous Irish Catholics…especially on my maternal side “This explained my red hair and freckles, and I accepted it because I am a huge Bonnie Franklin fan. Unfortunately, when I called to tell my mother that we were really Irish, she dropped dead on the spot at her condo in Boca. She didn’t even make it to the ER where my younger brother Leonard is an intern. I haven’t yet told my brother why mom keeled over because he’s a…oh…what’s the word? Oh yes, he is a PUTZ who would blame my DNA results for mom’s death, but they’re his DNA results too. When I was Jewish, this would have caused me great guilt, but now I just drink. Also, now that I’m Irish, I found out that us Irish can’t cook worth a shit. I always have have to order food in. I mean, I always ordered in when I was Jewish too, but that wasn’t because I couldn’t cook. It was because I was Jewish. Would I have been better off not knowing the truth? Should I have used a Deny-NA kit instead of the popular one I used? Who knows? Whatever the case, it’s too late now. I already fired my cleaning lady and I’m an alcoholic.
DNA testing recently revealed to Vilhelm Vanderhoeffen, a very proud German-American, that his ancestral DNA was only 2% Germanic. His “23 And Me” DNA test revealed that he is actually 68% African-American and 30% Greek. This came as a shock to the Vanderhoeffen because he had been raised in a strict German family whose father Fritz ruled with an iron hand and ate only weird sausages.
“My life is different now,” said Vanderhoeffen who now calls himself Styling Kool Vilhelm V.
“I bought a great book about cooking ribs and hot sauce, and I’m planning on going to visit the Fatherland — Nein (9) Mile in Detroit. Basically, I am not 100% happy about this, but my 2% German tells me that this is my duty even though I don’t understand it. My father was very strong Aryan man, and my mother was a plump and handsome housewife with proper head measurements and sparkly blue eyes. She never broke a dish on purpose or sprayed wounds with Windex. How could they not have known the truth, bro? So now we got a whole new thang goin’ on up in here…see what I’m sayin?”
For Constance Millberry and her son Todd Farborough-Millberry, residents of Darnely Connecticut and East Hampton, NY, the results of their DenyNA test thankfully proved what they had already known…or at least what they wanted to know.
“I think it goes without saying that everyone’s biggest fear in our neck of the woods is finding out that they might be Jewish or Black, unless they’re actually Jewish or black, in which case they wouldn’t be here, but thanks to my Deny-NA test, my children and I can breath a sigh of relief. Deny-NA proved that were are indeed descended exclusively from well-bred White Anglo stock. You know, a lot of people in our circle had mysteriously vanished from our clubhouse after they received their DNA test results from one of the more popular testing companies. Maybe they found out something distasteful. It’s a mystery better left unsolved. Sadly, my husband Bradley passed on before he found out the truth. He was always concerened about his Uncle Luke who he worried might have been a grease-ball or wetback. Now we know he was just dark like Tyrone Power.”
Deny-NA is available to anyone for $1999.00. That’s nearly $2,000 more than the other tests, but isn’t it worth it? Remember, it’s only cool for OTHER people to be ethnically charming.