Law enforcement agencies across the country are beginning to issue bottles of Mountain Dew to their officers on patrol this week. The issuance of the highly caffeinated citrus flavored soda, popular with video “gamers”, comes on the heels of several recent police involved shootings. Agency heads have turned to Mountain Dew, or “juice”, as a possible solution to aid officers and their aim when using sidearms during armed confrontations.
In the wake of such high profile shootings, the tactics employed by officers have come under the intense scrutiny of social media “experts” in police science. One such self-certified expert in the field, Ryan Wilder, has been getting the attention of command staff around the nation. “The problem is cops just don’t have the juice to do the job”, explained Wilder, President of the Armchair Action Institute. “At AAI, we feel that cops who shoot and kill armed subjects shouldn’t be shooting them at all. If they do, they should aim for a leg”, he continued.
Wilder stated that AAI has been the leader in the hindsight judgements of police officers and the Institute’s cutting edge training of other social media participants has brought “better understanding” of how Law Enforcement routinely “gets things all wrong”.
“We believe it’s a lack of “juice” these officers have to get things done”, said Wilder. “I know that having the juice is necessary because of my time in the slammer with rapists and killers and getting shot at. I had to have the juice to survive!”. Wilder, an avid and professional video gamer, hinted at Mountain Dew as the “juice” gamers need to “beat the game” and that his consumption of the sugary carbonated beverage makes him have better pistol accuracy than police officers under stress.
Agency leaders are paying attention to experts like Wilder due to the mounting pressure waged by misguided media outlets and social activists looking to line their pockets with more grief and the profits grief takes in. “It’s about time we really consider a concrete solution to solve the political fiasco shootings cause”, said Metro City Police Commissioner Gorton. “I’m trying to hang on to MY job and can’t afford to lose it! I have a house in Cabo I’m paying on!!”. The mayor of neighboring Donet City echoed similar sentiments, noting that she is facing a re-election later this year and can’t afford to lose it due to “officers not having a great tool like Mountain Dew to aide them when aiming for bodily extremities”.
“Trust me when I tell you, I am a better shot than most cops out there”, stated Wilder. “I know better what do when it needs to be done. It’s all because I have the juice”.
The hope of City Leaders is that by officers consuming Mountain Dew before potentially deadly encounters will make them more able to shoot armed criminals in the legs instead of aiming for bigger, more effective areas of the body such as the torso. “Somehow, we must get officers to shoot for arms and legs and inflict flesh wounds instead of aiming for what they’re most likely to hit”, one Metro Police supervisor told Channel 23. “Shooting center mass is just too politically incorrect for the public to handle”.
Stay with Channel 23 for more on this story.