FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY – TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA:
We have all seen the ‘Noles play football at some point. You’ve either seen them on TV or you’ve been to Doak Campbell stadium on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday in the fall. What you didn’t know (or maybe you did), is around 94% of the FSU football team is gay.
“Here at Florida State we embrace being gay, it’s something our players have been open about in the locker room and the showers since I’ve been here, now they are finally coming out openly to the world” said Head Coach Jimbo Fisher. “This lifestyle runs deep at our world renowned university, it’s really changed how we recruit guys, we are looking for multiple tight ends if you know what I mean, but we hope to have a 100% gay roster very soon”. Most of the FSU roster did not qualify academically for any other university however that does not stop Coach Fisher from getting them into FSU, “If you’re gay, you’ll play” he added. Many players will identify one of their fellow gay teammates as “A DeCody”, of course referring to former FSU wide receiver DeCody Fagg.
FSU list Richard Simmons as a distinguished alumni on the university website, Simmons made a name in the gay community with his very open gay antics and his infamous exercise video “Sweatin’ with the Oldies” was filmed in Tallahassee on campus. It featured numerous FSU football and cheerleading alums. Also we are all familiar with the tradition of the “glitter boys”. The guys who appear in only loincloths and covered head to toe in garnet and gold glitter posing for pictures with unsuspecting, straight, innocent little boys in the stands.
The ‘Noles world renowned tradition of Chief Osceola is also a sign that homosexuality has been a part of the school for many years, the mascot is a man dressed much like a woman (reference: drag queen) donning a skirt, a wig, makeup, multiple feathers, and a cute little purse. Another part of the Osceola tradition is his horse Renegade (pictured above laying on the field with Chief homo) Osceola rides Renegade to mid-field pregame and slams a hard, erect, feathered, flaming spear into the Seminole head logo (For more info on the logo search bacon face or logos of the LGBT community). One coveted job on the FSU staff is who inserts and then removes the cork from Renegade’s behind for his pregame performance. We interviewed the student who currently and proudly holds this job, and has for all of his 7 years at FSU. He chose to remain anonymous, stating, “If I told people my name I’d be overwhelmed with fan mail from our fans, every Nole wants my job”. Cork man, as his friends affectionately call him will be a senior this fall and will graduate with a degree in liberal arts, with a minor in male anatomy. FSU will be holding tryouts for the next cork man sometime in December.
Another example of how deep the homosexual roots are at Florida State is the world renowned FSU flyin’ high circus college. It’s one of 2 major circus colleges in the country, the other being at The University of San Francisco.
Another self proclaimed world renowned tradition at this rainbow flag flying school is the FSU marching band (The marching chiefs). They are also a part of the gay pride that is FSU, claiming 99% of its male members are gay. During band practice there is a running joke the members say to tease one another “who’s the faggot with the tuba” can be heard numerous times during the 2 hour practice. All the band members get a good laugh before blowing each others horns after practice. Part of the band members entourage includes the baton twirlers. FSU proudly had a male twirler in tights slinging his flaming baton all over the field at halftime impressing all of the on average 37,000 Seminole fans at Doak Campbell stadium.
Florida State proudly boast being the only school in NCAA history to elect a male homecoming queen in 1979.
“It’s time I join my ball club and admit that I am also in fact a gay man” said Jimbo Fisher. Fishers wife was caught having an affair with a very straight male Taylor Jacobs who is a former All-American wide receiver for the ‘Noles in state rival and far superior University of Florida Gators. Most think Fisher filed for divorce from his wife Candi after he learned of the affair, but when asked Fisher revealed the truth. “Like my players I’m just not attracted to women, I was married to Candi, but I’m looking for my Randy”. “The Gators have been screwing us on the field for many years, it’s time we come out and admit we’ve been screwing eachother off the field for even longer than that”.
Longtime and former FSU football coach Bobby Bowden was reached for comment on this story. When we asked his reaction he simply said “dadgummit” and chuckled. He asked our reporter numerous times if he was from Lake City, and told him he reminded him of Charlie. We will follow up this story when we can make sense of exactly what the former coach meant.
So if you’re gay, but you want to play, FSU is the right choice for you.
-CL
If you’d like to buy FSU game tickets, tens of thousands are available at fsutickets.com starting at $8 per ticket.
SOURCES: AP / UPI / LGBT / CaitlynJenner.com / SweatinWithTheOldies.com