Royals Sign 57-Yr-Old Woman As Relief Pitcher

In an attempt to shore up their sagging bullpen, the Kansas City Royals today signed an Ashland, Nebraska woman to a mid-season contract.
The name of the woman has not been released, but manager Ned Yost did comment, “She’s a redhead, so you know she can throw you a curve.”
General Manager Dayton Moore told reporters, “Look, I know this is an unusual move, but we feel we have to do something, because Soria. We acknowledge that it is a gamble, although Soria. She might not have any major league experience, but still, Soria. In fact, we don’t think she’s ever even played baseball, but nonetheless, Soria.”
The Royals players seem excited by the addition. Upon hearing of the signing, left fielder Alex Gordon said, “She is from Nebraska, so just getting her to Kansas City is going to raise the IQ of the whole state of Missouri, and hopefully this team. Because right now we are making so many stupid mistakes that even I want to punch us right in the face.”