KIDY FOX / SAN ANGELO
Article by Buster Hymen
In what Scott Henson has described as “A bullshit twist of irony” A San Angelo, Texas court has ruled that Henson must officiate, and serve as Head Judge on a panel of four, for a local Drag Queen Contest. This decree comes in conjunction with an additional mandate that Henson must also seek counseling by attending anger management classes.
“Yeah… this is a total bullshit deal, I’ve gotta’ tell you!” replied Henson, when asked about the ruling.
“I run a damn flag sales operation, out of a trailer. Somehow, word of mouth about my operation got back to these silly sons of bitches, and they gave me a call wanting a banner made. Look… at that time, I didn’t know these queens from Adam, and when their head queen called me up wanting a banner, I had no idea who they were… for all I knew, they were deer hunters, or lumberjacks. Long story-short, they threw about $1000 at me for a banner I could get made for about $50, so I took the gig. I don’t normally do banners, but I knew I could farm it out. Yeah… the guy on the phone ordering the banner sounded a little girly, but for $950 profit, I can put up with that. Ok… flash forward about a week, and I have their banner ready to go. It says: “Back Door Bandits of the Concho”. Frankly I didn’t know what it was for… didn’t really care. It sounded kind of like a rough-ass biker thing to me. So I gave them a call, telling them it was ready. They showed up about an hour later. Four guys, dressed straight out of the ladies “nightmare” department from the Goodwill store. That right there flipped my first switch. Then, they started bad-mouthing the banner, saying things like “Ooooh, I just don’t know…. Those purples aren’t very purple” and “That’s definitely not the font we specified…” That flipped my second switch. Then the head Queen tried to lowball me, and offered me $60 for the banner, and that flipped switch number three! I only have three switches that can get flipped before I go total ape shit. I don’t remember a lot of what happened next, but evidently I beat the shit out of four queen’s asses like red-headed stepchildren. Next thing I know, I’m in court on the wrong end of a hate-crime lawsuit. “
When asked about specifics concerning the court’s ruling, Henson replied “Well, it’s like this. These Concho Queens wanted to add insult to injury, so they lawyered up, and the judge has stated that I’m going to have to be Head Judge at these damn queen contests for at least six months. If I do a good job, and somehow manage to keep a smile on my face the whole time, that’s that. I’m done. Shit… I don’t know a damn thing about judging a damned Drag Queen Contest. It’s something I have no experience in. I’m just going to get good and drunk before they get on stage, squint my eyes, and pretend they’re real women. Oh… and yeah… there’s this as well: Those damn queens get to pick out my judge’s wardrobe, so I’m sure that will be some real pretty shit!