Beloved Thermometer Dies

Thermy, aged 7 months, died tragically at the hands of a local oaf. According to witnesses, Thermy was engaged in his usual morning routine of making sure food was safe to eat, when local oaf and ne’er-do-well, indentified at this point only as “JA” by authorities, proceeded to, without provocation, set Thermy directly into an open flame. Thermy was rushed to Henderson Memorial Hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. He is survived by his mother and father, Mr and Mrs Thermy Wilkinson, and fiancee Thermette. A memorial service will be held at Tiny Lou’s 160 Degree Bar, this Saturday at 5:00. In lieu of flowers, thoroughly cooked meat donations will be appreciated.