Cowboys name Chris Sutcliff starting Quarterback!

In an press release issued earlier this morning, the Dallas Cowboys shocked NFL fans by naming Chris Sutcliff as their starting Quarterback for the 2017 season.

Team owner and General Manager Jerry Jones had been quoted as recently as yesterday as saying Cooper Rush’s effort in the preseason meant the Cowboys would have 3 quarterbacks on their 53-man roster, so fans and pundits alike were stunned to learn Sutcliff had been picked to start ahead of Rush, Dak Prescott, and Kellen Moore.

Although previously unknown to Cowboy fans outside of the small community of Perry, Georgia, comments by Jones and Cowboys Head Coach Jason Garrett suggest both men expect Sutcliff to have an immediate impact on the team.

“Sutcliff comes from a long line of athletic studs” said Jones. “His father kicked butt in the U.S. Army for 20 years, his sister did the same as a collegiate tennis player, and two of his nephews played (one is still playing) D1 college football.

“Sutcliff’s ability to read defenses, quickly scan the horizon for danger, and deftly maneuver out of harm’s way, is almost inhuman”, said Garrett. “Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone with the speed, agility, and sheer power Sutcliff exhibits on the field!” Unnamed players echoed the coach’s description of Sutcliff. Many said he was the “Total Package” every NFL player hopes to play with during a career.

Tracked down in Columbus, GA, several of his high school classmates said Chris chose cross country and track during high school to avoid punishing opponents on the gridiron because he was such a gentle soul. Chris was described as blindingly fast, both in the classroom and on the field of competition. Most were not surprised to learn his talents were finally going to be put to use in the NFL.

Jones went on about Sutcliff during a post-lunch press conference. “Chris is driven by a desire to help his fellow man. It is what pushed him in to a career in law enforcement.
His marksmanship skills and knowledge of criminal procedure and law are legendary, and as anyone familiar with the Cowboys can attest, we need someone who can not only sling a ball down the field, but who can keep his teammates out of jail!”

Fans everywhere are still coming to terms with the announcement, but most agree Sutcliff’s ability to keep the team’s players out of jail and on the field justify his role as starting quarterback.