JOHN KERRY IDENTIFIED AS MASSIVE POWERBALL WINNER IDENTIFIED

The Massachusetts resident who purchased the sole winning POWERBALL ticket for over 700 million dollars has been identified as former Secretary of State John Kerry. Kerry came forward early Thursday, and produced the winning ticket. “After years of public service and sacrifice, I think I more than deserve this.” When asked what he plans to do with the windfall, Kerry replied uncharacteristically, “Fuck all of you, I’m going skiing!”

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