A local Polson resident, tired of the whining and the constant smell of smoke, chugged a gallon of Corona and stood atop a rocky outcropping while pissing onto a fire that had reduced 230,000 acres of pristine forest to ashes. The fires, which were difficult to keep contained, eventually were smothered and the area was declared safe following a cursory check by officials.
The resident, who will remain unidentified, is totally drunk.