Revamped Bacon Roster Sets Their Eyes On The Cup

Skatin’ Bacon has made some serious roster moves in the offseason in a dramatic effort to place more than three checks in the win column.

And, while the showers will house a whole bunch of fresh meat this season, the team has also made the extreme decision to continue to operate the team with no official coaching staff. A former player, who left the team during the offseason, and wishes to remain anonymous and only referred to as “E”, said “It was total chaos last year. With no coaches behind the bench, it was like we needed to figure out when to make line changes and who to put on the ice.” E also went on saying “I’m more of a ‘tell me what to do sort of player’, and with all of the confusion we only hit the W a few times last season. So with no contract in place, I decided to hit the free agency market, and an organization in Nashville picked me up. Apparently they’re a great group of guys with two coaches behind the bench and have set plays. I mean how is the Bacon supposed to win with no plays?!”

Another loss this season comes with the sad departure of versatile skater Steve Westol. Known as “Westy” amongst the Bacon, he never backed down from a positional assignment. However, no player is with out their kryptonite. Westy, while a speedster on ice, could not handle the melted version. Westy, unbeknownst to many, had an extreme fear of water. Living with aquaphobia has been challenging in some ways—in other ways, it prevented Westy from attending Bacon games in the rain.

But, while the Bacon will need to overcome some significant losses in the locker room, there’s one particular addition they are hoping will set them up for a deep playoff run this season. Coming out of retirement, and still under an unfulfilled Bacon long term contract, is veteran forward Kenny Simpson.

“It was something I’ve been contemplating for a couple seasons now. But one day in May, when I went to put on a pair of socks and came across a red, white, and blue flagged bandana, it just hit me.” He goes on, “I just knew that was the sign I needed.” Kenny then paged his longtime teammate, co-captain of the Bacon since its inception 41 years ago, Chris Loudon.

“When I got that page in my car from Kenny, I knew I had to open up that leather case and call him from my Motorola car phone immediately,” Chris explained. “It was official. Kenny confirmed it and I called the rink to schedule the lowering of his banner.”

So while the Bacon has deepened their bench, and even pulled out a couple old tools from the shed, nothing can deny their efforts for a championship this season. Season tickets are selling fast, so come check the team out as they search for redemption this season!