ATLANTA, GA – The U. S. Center for Disease Control announced today that hurt feelings have reached an all-time high, with 1 in 6 Americans exhibiting symptoms ranging from expressed outrage on a social media platform to physical illness at perceived slights.
The CDC’s Head of Research, G. O. Fuquersef stated, “Folks are becoming raving lunatics because the world won’t acknowledge their sensitive nature and doesn’t seem to care that they have a right to not be offended.” The epidemic apparently causes people to assume the Constitution of the United States grants them the right to ban anything that upsets them personally.
Fuquersef went on to note, “Personal offense and censorship used to be confined to small groups of like-minded people, but as of late has become the bailiwick of every individual who doesn’t like something. That’s when we realized we were looking at a nationwide problem.”
Warning signs of infection include:
– Use of buzzwords and catch phrases such as ‘social consciousness’ and ‘cultural appropriation’
– Unreasonable reaction to news items they find inappropriate
– Driving need to suck the joy from social situations by having no sense-of-humor about anything
– Inability to interact with others without taking offense in the course of conversation
– Habitual correction of others about their insensitivity to others’ feelings
If you know someone who displays these symptoms or show other signs of excessive butt-hurt please contact the CDC at 1-800-CRY-BABY.