Massachusetts Bay, November 12- In what can only be described as a harrowing encounter with an ancient, yet modern, seaborne threat, a local construction crew fought off marauding bands of invaders directly off the Massachusetts coast Sunday morning. On a pristine fall day, a routine barge move from Beverly to Boston proved to be anything but routine.
“We try to caution mariners to give a wide berth to these waters, but sometimes they’re on a tight schedule,” said Tom Stallion, Commandant of the New England Water Service. “I’m sure they were taking advantage of the calm weather, but those conditions also are favorable for possible mayhem on the high seas.”
The vessel and its cargo were making its way to Boston along the northern shores of Massachusetts Bay when they were overtaken by outrigger canoes paddled out from the nearby port of Lynn. “Everyone thinks it’s a joke, but, venture close to Lynn, and you will never come out the way you went in. It’s the city of sin, and these episodes prove it,” explained Stallion. “How many times do we have to hear it?
According to the official transcripts of the incident, the vessel “Sea Pony” and its barges were transiting the area at noon when mermaids began swarming the decks, apparently unable to control their attraction to the crew. “We fought them off with coffee cups, life jackets, anything we could muster,” exclaimed a crewman who wished to remain anonymous. “One minute the skipper is making us bacon and eggs, the next moment, we’re in hand to flipper combat and they’re tearing off our shirts. It was unreal! We had our hands full until we realized they couldn’t run after us, I mean, they don’t have legs, you know, only one big flipper, so that’s what saved us.”
The quick thinking crew accelerated the vessel to a jaw-dropping 2.6 knots of speed, making it impossible for the marauding mermaids to hold on. They eventually fell back into the sea as the mariners sped their way into Boston Harbor.
“This was as close a call as anyone would want to experience,” commandant Stallion warned. “This could happen again, even in Boston Harbor. When they finish building the casino, we’re expecting to see a lot of people crossing the waters and losing their shirts.”