Schoharie Students Have Abnormally Large Heads

A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) found that students of the Schoharie Central School District, a rural school system in upstate New York with over 800 students, have heads that are on average 25% larger than students nationwide. “I don’t understand it,” said Superintendent David Blanchard. “When I arrived here three years ago, I thought Schoharie was a typical school district. I didn’t know how wrong I was.”

Scientists have been unable to determine the reason behind this unusual development. While some believe it’s a biological response to increased intelligence and brain capacity, others blame the increased ego and self-entitlement of Millenials. “I yelled at some of those big-headed kids to get off my lawn just the other day. They barely looked up from their phones long enough to roll their eyes at me,” reported Paul Sherman, former teacher at the school. “Back in my day, kids had normal heads.”

Superintendent Blanchard has proposed that the district embrace this distinction, even going as far as replacing the school mascot The Indian, which has raised some concerns among Native American groups, with one that reflects the student body. “I was thinking we could be ‘The Noggins’ or maybe just “The Big Heads.”