Unidentified Woman Frees Experimental Test Monkeys at Perlman Medical Center, PA

On Saturday April 21st at roughly 6am, an unidentified woman, described as, “crazed and incredibly angry”, reportedly entered the Perlman Medical Centre at the University of Pennsylvania, using a stolen ID badge to reach the seventh floor of the facility. She was then seen on security camera footage using a fire-axe to damage the locking mechanism for the control of over 500 cages containing live-monkey subjects for various experimentation purposes.

All the monkeys have since been found, however the woman in still on the loose. She is described as roughly 5’8″ tall, brunette, last seen wearing a t-shirt with the words, Got Hemorrhoids” emblazoned on it. Anyone with information is asked to please contact the UPenn police immediately at 215-573-8888.