BREAKING: Staff Launches Offensive; Despite Casualties, Generals Claim “Absolutely Necessary”

Large Quad, Perlman, PA

Despite attempts to end tensions in the Staff/Teen War, negotiations fell through after an 18-day ceasefire, resulting in water-related injuries to some 258 teens and 45 staff.

Military spokesman Jonathan Nurko called the the first water balloon attack, which took place on top of the Klutznik Building “the pop heard ‘round the camp”. After that, Perlman descended into chaos. “It was horrible. I’ll never feel dry again,” continued Nurko.

Though the two-sided conflict began unexpectedly, Staff forces were remarkably prepared. Munitions reserves had been stored in the north, a tactic that has been practiced in the Jewish Camp Military for centuries. “This was our ‘Masada’ moment. It was ‘Our Turn’.” said Battalion Commander Morgan Wittenberg, who later succumbed to her injuries.

The offensive was brutal, though routine, until a band of rebel Turks sealed off an escape route that compromised a Roof Squadron who later retreated to a lower elevation via makeshift roof. For his bravery, Private Jordan Kolsky will be awarded the Purple Star of Deborah at a ceremony tomorrow evening.

Crews are now sweeping the affected areas for survivors.