July 8, 2018
Early Sunday afternoon, Susan Miller, 68, of Greensville, OH called 911 to report a complaint of what appeared to be several young children playing outdoors and having fun.
“It was quite the disturbing scene”, said Miller. “There was a large group of them running around, playing games and laughing. I’m just trying to watch the episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that I recorded on DVR last night, after I abruptly fell asleep and spilled my wine all over my loveseat. I think I deserve some peace and quiet while I’m trying to watch my mindnumbing American television programming.”
Local police sources have advised us that Miller is pressing charges on the children, and she hopes to have them prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
“Look, we’re a nation of laws. We can’t just have these kids running around and screaming at the top of their lungs. Back when I was their age, I was working in a coal mine for 68 cents a week. That’s the problem with these brats nowadays. No work ethic. All they want to do is play.”, said Miller firmly.
“A few of them were even making noises pretending to be dogs and cats! We can’t allow these types of thugs to overrun our neighborhoods! These aren’t children… they’re ANIMALS!”, yelled an angry Miller.
Our reporters are closely following this story and will provide updates of the verdict in court.